What are the proper things to say to someone who has just experienced loss? Is it I'm sorry? Is it things will get better? Do we shake their hands or hug them? Do we even acknowledge it at all? My heart aches. It is broken. It hurts and the sadness of losing our precious gift envelopes every fiber of my being. I have cried and laughed at the irony of life and cried again. But isn't that what makes us human? The ability to feel. The ability to experience pain. To be tested and tried so we may know the good from the evil, so that we can know for ourselves what true sorrow feels like and then experience a greater joy? But today for our family, for me, I embrace the pain. I am allowing it to blanket over my soul. I am allowing myself to feel every part of the grief and pain, and the hopeless feeling of losing you, my child, to something greater. I choose this because the grief reminds me you are real. That you do exist, somewhere in time and space, where I cannot yet follow. I carried you for three months never once regretting our decision to give you life and knowing the risks we were taking. We loved you, your father and I, from the moment we decided to try to give you life and a mortal existence here with us. We pondered what you would look like. Whether you would have your fathers hair and my eyes, or his fearless spirit or my creativity. We spoke about how excited we were to meet you, my little one. We talked about how we would feel to finally hold you in our arms and how special the moment would be to meet you in our here and now. How it would be to kiss your baby hands so tenderly, in awe at what together with our great master we created. The beautiful miracle of you. But today we found out that you, my sweet baby, were created for something greater than we could imagine. Your heart was so pure, so perfect, Heavenly Father said "no" to your father and I and told us we have to wait because he has a much grander design for you. You were such a force to be reckoned with that the Heavens couldn't give you up. But as a mom and being human I just want to look into your eyes and see you looking back. I want to gently kiss the top of your head and gently stroke your newborn cheeks. I want to be able to rock you softly to sleep and watch you as you dream of the great beyond. But you see sweet baby, those are my wants and desires, as pure as they are, they are my selfish desires. I do not know why you could not come to our little family here on earth, but I have learned to not ask why on these matters. Asking why does not change the outcome. Death is a part of life. An aweful, painful, and oft times crippling part of life. And perhaps you are so pure and divine you were spared this part of mortality. But I want to share with you a lesson I have learned while being here. That even though life can be devastating harsh and cruel, it can be quite the opposite. Life can be peaceful. It can be full of happiness and often is filled with love and kindness. It is filled with selfless service of others and tender moments that reach down deep into your soul and whispers the truth of eternity into every fiber of your being. And those moments testify that we are not alone in this vast universe. They testify of a loving Father in Heaven who hears our calls for a gentle hand up when we fall. Those moments testify that although life is hard and the journey long that we never walk it alone. He is always there in every detail. He is there in every moment. He gives constant reminders of his love for his children. For me. For just as you are my child, I am his. I am just beginning to understand his love for me through my love for my children: You being one of them. And even though I understand these truths, it does not dull the pain the ache that I now feel. But isn't that the point. To feel. To love. To cry. To laugh. To feel the awful pain of death and loss. To feel hope renewed. To feel alive?
I am sorry I am not able to bury you. Your body is just too tiny. Had it been one more month I would have a place to bring you flowers and put your body to rest. But as the situation would have it, I cannot. And I'm sorry for this. This is the hardest part of losing you so small. Your father and I want you to know how loved you are. How you are and always will be a part of our family. That you will never be forgotten. In your brief life here you have touched our lives with so much love, tenderness, and hope. We look forward to that great day when we will once again be reunited and we can finally embrace you and look into your eyes and hold your sweet little hands.I struggle to find the right words to say so for now, our sweet angel, since we cannot watch over you, please watch over us. You will never be far from our thoughts and your presence will forever be felt. God be with you till we meet again!!!
Love forever,
Mommy
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